Priorities
My friend Tim is having a big crunch adjusting to life as a father of two. I feel his pain, to a smaller degree. One of the biggest challenges to being a parent thus far is simply the time demands. Those demands create logistical challenges, which creates stress, which creates frustration and (to be perfectly honest) occasionally resentment. Add to this the fact that no one wants to hear or really talk about that part of parenthood, and it gets even more complicated.
People ask me all the time "How's that little girl?" My response is usually "Great!" or something glib like "Growing like a weed!". I know I would get all sorts of social sanction if I said what I occasionally feel:
"Well, she doesn't nap unless you hold her. Which a bunch of books say is wrong, so we feel like we're doing something wrong. And it leads to one of us sitting on the couch holding her for two hours at a time, so that's two hours of just watching TV (which, you know, we're not supposed to do with her in the room. Maybe she's being turned into a mindless consumer even in her sleep). And while we're sitting there, holding our daughter so she'll sleep, we wish we could be doing something else, even something like cleaning the kitchen because it's so dirty, yet we also feel guilty because (again) everyone keeps saying things like 'You'll miss those days of rocking her and holding her' which, while it may be true, does not help us get the laundry done or prevent us from turning into fat slobs because we can't seem to make it to the gym."
I am sure that would not go over well.
I love my daughter more than anything except my wife. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her. But I am still adjusting to the sheer amount of time it takes to give her what she needs. I'll cop to some selfishness here, selfishness that should be shed like an old skin, a remnant of a time when I was younger and smaller. It may be just a matter of reprioritizing, of determining which of my own pursuits fit in with these new demands I've taken on. (Note to self: watching Predator on TV should be low on that list.) Maybe now's the time to take stock, to figure out what I need to carry with me and what can be left behind. My marriage and my daughter are my priority. My job, which I generally like very much, is certainly up there. It is the means to support the family, and also gives me a lot of intellectual fodder and personal validation. I am not really talking about that stuff. I am talking about personal stuff, self-centered (which is not always negative) pursuits -- hobbies, if you will -- that I've carried on in some form or another for awhile and have become part of who I am. It's time to take stock and (probably) clean some shelves.
Stay tuned.
People ask me all the time "How's that little girl?" My response is usually "Great!" or something glib like "Growing like a weed!". I know I would get all sorts of social sanction if I said what I occasionally feel:
"Well, she doesn't nap unless you hold her. Which a bunch of books say is wrong, so we feel like we're doing something wrong. And it leads to one of us sitting on the couch holding her for two hours at a time, so that's two hours of just watching TV (which, you know, we're not supposed to do with her in the room. Maybe she's being turned into a mindless consumer even in her sleep). And while we're sitting there, holding our daughter so she'll sleep, we wish we could be doing something else, even something like cleaning the kitchen because it's so dirty, yet we also feel guilty because (again) everyone keeps saying things like 'You'll miss those days of rocking her and holding her' which, while it may be true, does not help us get the laundry done or prevent us from turning into fat slobs because we can't seem to make it to the gym."
I am sure that would not go over well.
I love my daughter more than anything except my wife. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her. But I am still adjusting to the sheer amount of time it takes to give her what she needs. I'll cop to some selfishness here, selfishness that should be shed like an old skin, a remnant of a time when I was younger and smaller. It may be just a matter of reprioritizing, of determining which of my own pursuits fit in with these new demands I've taken on. (Note to self: watching Predator on TV should be low on that list.) Maybe now's the time to take stock, to figure out what I need to carry with me and what can be left behind. My marriage and my daughter are my priority. My job, which I generally like very much, is certainly up there. It is the means to support the family, and also gives me a lot of intellectual fodder and personal validation. I am not really talking about that stuff. I am talking about personal stuff, self-centered (which is not always negative) pursuits -- hobbies, if you will -- that I've carried on in some form or another for awhile and have become part of who I am. It's time to take stock and (probably) clean some shelves.
Stay tuned.
You are absolutly right.There were times in raising you and your brother that I just want to quit the stress was tough and you will get by and realize that it is and was worth it.I can remember stopping at Glenda and Warren's and complaining about how tired I was and just needed a break.But now look at what I have two grown men with education two good wifes of there own and one granddaughter that I am going to love dearly.You do have your priorties right and you will be fine
ReplyDeleteHang in there Nakia, things should get easier in a few months. The infant stage is really tough, especially for your first time through it. With Liam, we're coping much better. The problem is that while Liam is not even half as difficult as Finley was... we still have the difficulty of dealing with both kids at once.
ReplyDeleteYou hit the nail on the head. It's all about selfishness and priorities. But I'm not so sure that the "selfish" things need to be given up. Perhaps they just need to be relegated to the status of occasional indulgence rather than daily/weekly staple? Sort of like sweet desserts. I spend less money on personal entertainment now... but I still spend money. And I still hope to game, travel, see movies, and go to concerts. But these activities will be less frequent now. There's no helping that until the boys the older. I've made my peace with that (though my selfish side still grumbles about the difficulties of stretching my limited personal entertainment budget).
On the other hand, I am still working out. As a health matter, I don't really consider that to be a luxury. The trick is balancing sleep and exercise (not easy when the kids aren't sleeping well).